Good News from Uncle Sam

Uncle Sam Wants Everything!
Uncle Sam Wants Everything!

It’s always nice to receive good news, and the government seems to be full of it these days. We received word just this morning that according to the Department of Labor there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year. This was really good news.

In fact, I was so relieved and elated by this news that I called up my health insurance company and explained to Betty that the forty percent increase in my premiums must have been a mistake because the Department of Labor said so. Betty is a very jolly lady and I’m pretty sure she is still laughing.

I was sure, though, that this declaration by the Department of Labor would carry some weight so I called the number for the company that delivers our propane. They recently filled the tank and I was certain they would want to know about this Comsumer Price Index thing and how it was not to cost any more to live this year than last. Paul was not so amused.

Still, I wanted to share our good fortune so I called up a friend of mine and said, “Tom, guess what, there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year! Isn’t that great news?”

And Tom, he likes numbers, he said, “Well let’s see, there’s over four million more people out of work than there was at this time last year. So, if you got nothing to live on and the cost of living is going to be the same then, well, at least you can budget for it. So yeah, I guess that is really good news.” Tom’s kind of sarcastic like that.

Still, I knew there had to be someone who would appreciate hearing this news. So, I called up my Congressman, and I said, “Hey Honorable, did you hear that there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year?”

And he said, “I say, I say, I say, that’s right boy! I worked hard this past year to keep down the rise in the cost of living. It was a constant and exhausting battle against overwhelming odds, but I fought with all my might and in the end the cost of living did not rise. I did it for the people. No need to thank me. You’re welcome. Don’t forget to vote. Are you registered?”

Finally, someone who truly appreciated the good news.

STINGER! – Natural Nuisance Deterrent System

Go ahead, ring the bell.
Go ahead, ring the bell.

Life is good here at the CowChows. In fact, it’s very good. We’ve been conducting a test this summer with an experimental device that is showing such excellent results that we’re thinking of applying for a patent. It’s such an ingenious device that we didn’t even think of it. In fact, we didn’t even realize it was the source of our good fortune until very recently. Here’s the deal…

You may recall that several weeks ago I had a close encounter with the law of gravity due to a hornets nest under the eave of the house. Following that encounter we decided to give peaceful coexistence a try when it came to the hornets. We left them alone and, thankfully, they have left us alone. We had pretty much forgotten the nest was even there until a couple of weeks ago when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to find three of the neighborhood children. They were all aflutter because we had a hornets nest on our house. I explained the concept of peaceful coexistence to them. They said I was crazy and should call their daddy to come get it down, and they left.

Here’s the thing: they haven’t been back. We’ve also noticed a marked decline in the number of drop-in guests, salvation sellers, and solicitors of all kinds this summer. It’s an amazing thing, and the nest is on the side of the house. Just imagine how quiet it would be around here had they built their nest right over the front door.

So, assuming someone hasn’t already patented it we will soon be offering under the CowChows brand the “STINGER – Personal Privacy, Safety and Solicitor Deterrent System.” It will look just like a hornets nest. Just peel the paper off the self-adhesive bottom, stick it to the ceiling of your porch or under the eave of your house, and then sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet.

We’re also working on a deluxe model that integrates a motion detector and the sounds of angry hornets. We just can’t decide who’s going to record the soundtrack. Any volunteers?

Cordially yours,

Tim Couch