Time Travel – not all it’s cracked up to be

Happy kids on a toboggan in the snowI experienced time travel today.

When we woke this morning the CowChows lay under a seven inch thick blanket of new snow. It was early; my neighbors had not yet ventured out and so the snow blanket lay pure and undisturbed. All was quiet; save the distant rush of the river and occasional birdsong it was as if the entire world still slept. As I stood at the window sipping fresh hot coffee, tendrils of smoke climbed from neighboring chimneys and curled skyward. And I thought, “What the hell am I doing up this early?” And, I went back to bed.

Some time later I was awakened by the sound of an angry hornet. I peered out through the frosted window pane and saw my neighbor whizzing down the road on his four-wheeler. Behind the noisy contraption and attached by a length of rope was a plastic toboggan with two happily screaming kids onboard. My first thought was, “Wow, a spill at that speed could hurt those kids pretty bad.”

My next thought was, “Man, that looks like fun.”

I was only going down to watch, I swear. But when I got down there and saw their beaming smiles and wind stung cheeks, when I heard their joyful screams and laughter, and as I stood there on the hillside with the other kids waiting their turn I couldn’t help but feel a thrill. Of course, I would have been perfectly happy to share in their fun vicariously, but when the little blond haired girl from next door turned to me and sweetly asked, “Would you like a ride,” well, what could I say?

Three small children took each arm and assisted me in lowering myself onto the toboggan. With animated chatter they instructed me to keep my feet inside, hang on tight, don’t fall off, and one taunting little voice said, “Don’t pee your pants like Jeffrey did.”

Finally I was ready. I squared myself on the toboggan, gripped the sides, and just as I was giving the nod to go I heard a voice from up the hill and behind me, “TIMOTHY LYNN COUCH!!”

I turned; my neighbor gunned the engine; the toboggan jumped out from under me, and I went sprawling in the snow. Suddenly, I was ten years old again; I’d just been caught in red-handed mischief, and all the other kids were laughing at me. As I lumbered up the hill rubbing my butt a sing-song voice whispered, “Timmy got in trouble.”

Time travel, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

Frigidly yours,

Tim Couch

Woody the Aluminum Pecker

Huh?
Huh?

We had an interesting morning here at the CowChows. We got an early wake-up call from a woodpecker. Actually, it wasn’t so much a wake-up call as a wake-up demand. It was just after daylight, a time of day that I am not well acquainted with, that I first heard it. My first thought was that our house had somehow been turned into a giant bell while we slept, and now a gang of ball peen hammer-wielding angry ninja dwarves was trying to get in.

I threw back the covers and marched to the front door already rehearsing the tongue-lashing I was going to give my inconsiderate neighbor. Ladybug was at my heels already urging me to calm down. But, as I flung open the door and stepped out onto the porch, ours were the only lights on. Then the noise came again and we realized it was coming from the end of our porch, near our bedroom window.

A woodpecker had tried to land on top of one of the aluminum columns that support the roof, and too late he discovered the column was hollow and open on top. He had fallen all the way to the bottom and the space was too narrow for him to fly out. So he was doing the only thing he could do, trying to peck his way out.

We studied on it for a while. We could try to fish him out, but he would likely dismember himself in the effort. We could leave him in there, but then we’d be haunted by that noise forever. We could call someone, but there was no listing in the Yellow Pages under Stupid Bird Rescue.

In the end we did the only thing we could do. We got the hole saw from the shop and cut a two inch hole into the aluminum column. When the bit finally broke through I looked inside and there lay the woodpecker. The stress of being trapped and the noise of the saw must have been too much for his little heart. I fetched a piece of wire to try and hook the body and pull it out, but when the wire touched him he suddenly came back to life. He flapped around inside for a while. We backed off and waited. After a few minutes he stuck his head out the hole and looked around, and then out came the rest of him. He was a beautiful adolescent red-headed woodpecker. He staggered and slumped for a bit, but eventually he flew off and into the big elm tree in the front yard.

He came back later to say thanks. He left two big fat juicy secondhand grubs at our front door. We named him Woody, because Aluminy is just too hard to say.

Cordially yours,

Tim Couch