Frog in Hot Water Experiment

Wanna see who can handle the heat?Here at the CowChows we take nothing at face value. We do our own research and experiments until we’re satisfied that every stone has been turned. So, when I heard the story about the frog I had to see it for myself.

The story goes that if you drop a frog into a pot of boiling water it will immediately jump out to save its life. However, if you place a frog into a pot of cool water and then slowly raise the temperature of the water the frog will stay in the pot and die.

So, I got me a frog, and a pot, and some water. I brought the water to a boil and dropped the frog in, and sure enough that little sucker came out of there like he’d been shot out of a little frog-cannon.

Next, after finally catching the frog, I filled the pot with cool water and placed the frog in it. Then, I slowly turned up the heat under the pot. The frog continued to swim around in the pot even as the water grew hotter and hotter. I waited long enough to satisfy the experiment but not long enough for the frog to die because that would be cruel, and frogs aren’t easy to find in February.

Next, I placed a copy of the U.S. Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and Mark Levin’s “Liberty and Tyranny: A Conservative Manifesto”
into the pot with the frog. After a couple of days I again slowly increased the heat under the pot, and once again the frog just swam around until he was almost frog soup.

So one more time, I filled the pot with cool water and placed the frog inside. I set the television to the Fox News channel and tuned in talk radio. After a couple of days I returned and once more turned up the heat. The water grew warmer and warmer, and I could see that the frog was increasingly uncomfortable but yet he continued to swim. Then, just as steam began to rise from the pot the frog swam over to the side, climbed up onto the rim, and hopped down onto the counter-top. He turned, looked up at me and slowly shook his head from side to side. He hopped over to the knob on the stove-top and turned the burner under the pot off. He raised one little wet frog-finger and with it he drew a coiled rattlesnake in the condensate moisture, and below the snake he wrote, “Don’t Tread On Me.” And then, he hopped back into the pot. Thus, proving conclusively once and for all that frogs don’t read.

Don't Tread On Me

Obama’s New Golf Czar

Image of Obama's unidentified Golf Czar
Who is Obama's new Golf Czar?

President Obama has now appointed a Golf Czar. The identity of the newly appointed czar is still unknown but announcements were just made of major rule changes to the game of golf. These changes are expected to become effective March 2010 and may be retroactive in southern States. This is only a preview as new rules, regulations and legislation are still being finalized. Here are a few basic changes:

Golfers handicaps:

  • Below 10 – greens fees will be increased by 35%
  • Between 11 and 18 – no increase in greens fees
  • Above 18 – player will receive a $25 check for each round of 18 holes.

Dollar amounts placed in bets will be as follows:

  • For handicaps below 10, an additional $10 will be assessed
  • For handicaps between 11 and 18, no additional amount
  • For handicaps above 18, players will receive the total amount in the pot even if they do not play.

The term “gimme” will be changed to “entitlement” and will be used as follows:

  • For handicaps below 10, no entitlements
  • For handicaps from 11 to 17, entitlements for putter length putts
  • For handicaps above 18, if the ball is on green, no need to putt, just pick it up.

These entitlements are intended to bring about fairness and, most importantly, equality in scoring.

In addition, a Player will be limited to a maximum of one birdie or six pars in any given round. Any excess must be given to those fellow players who have not yet scored a birdie or par. Only after all players have received a birdie or par from the player actually making the birdie or par, can that player begin to count his pars and birdies again.

The current USGA handicap system will be used for the above purposes but the term ‘net score’ will be available only for scoring those players with handicaps of 18 and above. This is intended to ‘redistribute’ the success of winning by making sure that in every competition, the above 18 handicap players will post only ‘net score’ against every other player’s gross score

These new Rules are intended to CHANGE the game of golf. Golf must be about Fairness. It should have nothing to do with Ability.

Obama – Hope and Change – You asked for it

Left Leaning Dog

Not sure who wrote this but it’s just too funny not to pass along.

large dog sleeping on chair

  • My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
  • His food is prepared for him.
  • He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
  • His meals are provided at no cost to him.
  • He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
  • For this, he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
  • He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs.
  • He is not required to do any upkeep on the house.
  • If He makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
  • He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
  • He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
  • He lives like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
  • All of his costs are paid by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head,  Holy S#!t, my dog’s a Democrat!

Good News from Uncle Sam

Uncle Sam Wants Everything!
Uncle Sam Wants Everything!

It’s always nice to receive good news, and the government seems to be full of it these days. We received word just this morning that according to the Department of Labor there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year. This was really good news.

In fact, I was so relieved and elated by this news that I called up my health insurance company and explained to Betty that the forty percent increase in my premiums must have been a mistake because the Department of Labor said so. Betty is a very jolly lady and I’m pretty sure she is still laughing.

I was sure, though, that this declaration by the Department of Labor would carry some weight so I called the number for the company that delivers our propane. They recently filled the tank and I was certain they would want to know about this Comsumer Price Index thing and how it was not to cost any more to live this year than last. Paul was not so amused.

Still, I wanted to share our good fortune so I called up a friend of mine and said, “Tom, guess what, there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year! Isn’t that great news?”

And Tom, he likes numbers, he said, “Well let’s see, there’s over four million more people out of work than there was at this time last year. So, if you got nothing to live on and the cost of living is going to be the same then, well, at least you can budget for it. So yeah, I guess that is really good news.” Tom’s kind of sarcastic like that.

Still, I knew there had to be someone who would appreciate hearing this news. So, I called up my Congressman, and I said, “Hey Honorable, did you hear that there was no rise in the cost of living during the past year?”

And he said, “I say, I say, I say, that’s right boy! I worked hard this past year to keep down the rise in the cost of living. It was a constant and exhausting battle against overwhelming odds, but I fought with all my might and in the end the cost of living did not rise. I did it for the people. No need to thank me. You’re welcome. Don’t forget to vote. Are you registered?”

Finally, someone who truly appreciated the good news.

Use Onions to Prevent Flu

Oh-noo! Mr. Bill!
Oh-noo! Mr. Bill!

Life at the CowChows is a little stinky lately. You may not know this about me but I have a quirk, or two. One of my quirks is that I’m a bit of a germ-o-phobe. I’m not quite ready to don a surgical mask and gloves in public, but only because I can’t decide whether they should match my socks or my belt. But, being in the midst of cold and flu season I am always on the lookout for anything that might keep me and the Ladybug healthy. So naturally, the onion cure caught my interest.

Apparently, there are several supposedly true stories to support this. You cut onions in two and place the halves in bowls and place the bowls throughout your house. Somehow the onion absorbs the bacteria that cause cold, flu and other viruses. The onion will turn black as it absorbs these germs and then you just throw it away and slice another onion. One story describes placing a slice of onion on the bottom of each foot, covered with a new, white cotton sock. You do this at bedtime and in the morning your fever will be gone. I’m not sure why the socks have to be new, or white, or cotton, but if it works I’m not going to quibble.

So, as you can imagine the CowChows is pretty aromatic these days but then I got to thinking. If onions in the house protect me from germs in the house then wouldn’t it make sense to be protected outside the house, as well? Why wait until I bring the germs home to expose them to the cure? So, I went out and bought twenty pounds of onions and a big bag of new white cotton socks. I have to warn you, though, the onion slices are a little uncomfortable to walk on until you get them all squished up, but the extra arch support is kind of nice.

Then, I got to thinking about how far the germs have to travel to get to the onions. They enter through the nose or mouth and have to go all the way to the feet to get out. So, I thought I would give them a shortcut and I put onions in my pockets. Apparently, the cure is working because I haven’t been sick since I started using it and after a while you don’t really notice the smell so much. Plus, Ladybug says when I perspire I smell like a cheeseburger and who doesn’t like a big old juicy cheeseburger?

Yours in good health,

Tim Couch

STINGER! – Natural Nuisance Deterrent System

Go ahead, ring the bell.
Go ahead, ring the bell.

Life is good here at the CowChows. In fact, it’s very good. We’ve been conducting a test this summer with an experimental device that is showing such excellent results that we’re thinking of applying for a patent. It’s such an ingenious device that we didn’t even think of it. In fact, we didn’t even realize it was the source of our good fortune until very recently. Here’s the deal…

You may recall that several weeks ago I had a close encounter with the law of gravity due to a hornets nest under the eave of the house. Following that encounter we decided to give peaceful coexistence a try when it came to the hornets. We left them alone and, thankfully, they have left us alone. We had pretty much forgotten the nest was even there until a couple of weeks ago when there was a knock at the door. I opened the door to find three of the neighborhood children. They were all aflutter because we had a hornets nest on our house. I explained the concept of peaceful coexistence to them. They said I was crazy and should call their daddy to come get it down, and they left.

Here’s the thing: they haven’t been back. We’ve also noticed a marked decline in the number of drop-in guests, salvation sellers, and solicitors of all kinds this summer. It’s an amazing thing, and the nest is on the side of the house. Just imagine how quiet it would be around here had they built their nest right over the front door.

So, assuming someone hasn’t already patented it we will soon be offering under the CowChows brand the “STINGER – Personal Privacy, Safety and Solicitor Deterrent System.” It will look just like a hornets nest. Just peel the paper off the self-adhesive bottom, stick it to the ceiling of your porch or under the eave of your house, and then sit back and enjoy the peace and quiet.

We’re also working on a deluxe model that integrates a motion detector and the sounds of angry hornets. We just can’t decide who’s going to record the soundtrack. Any volunteers?

Cordially yours,

Tim Couch

Hey, You’re a Honeybee

Hobo Honeybee
Hobo Honeybee

I was outside earlier slinging paint on the front porch of the CowChows when I got a pleasant surprise. You know how the aroma of fresh paint seems to attract every bug for miles around; well I heard a buzz and looked down to find a honeybee had landed on the handle of my paintbrush. I raised the brush to get a better look and saw that he had a tiny bundle wrapped in a tiny red handkerchief tied to the end of a tiny stick that was propped over his shoulder. I said, “Hey, you’re a honeybee.”

“So what,” he said.

“I haven’t seen any of you guys around for a couple of years,” I said. “Where you been?”

“It’s not where we’ve been,” he said. “It’s where we’re going.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“We’ve just had enough, is all. You work hard all day long, try to do the right thing, fulfill your obligations to the hive, and the harder you work the more they take. Eventually, you start to feel like nothing but a drone. There’s still plenty of bees around but they’re the fatcats and the layabouts that never leave the hive. Most of the worker-bees are gone. I’m one of the last to leave.”

“But, what about the others, the ones left behind?” I asked.

“Hey, we talked until we were buzzed out. All the fatcats want to do is strut around making rules and giving orders, and all the layabouts do is sit on their stingers and say, ‘That’s not my job.’ Hopefully, they’ll wake up before it’s too late.”

“But, what about making honey?” I asked.

“Everything it takes to make honey is still here,” he said. Make it yourself, or get the bees to go to work.”

“How do we do that? I asked.”

He shrugged and said, “Do a little jig, they’ll like that. Hey, you missed a spot.”

I turned to look where he was pointing and when I looked back, he was gone. “Wait,” I called, “Where are you going?”

A tiny little voice from high and away came back to me, “Yeah right, like I’m going to tell you.”

Cordially yours,

Tim Couch

Attack of the Blob

Hand Sanitizer in BULK
Hand Sanitizer in BULK

There’s been a lot of talk in the news recently about this Swine Flu, or H1N1 virus. They say they’re expecting it to get worse this Winter and we should all be taking precautions. I was reminded of this earlier when I was in the store and saw this big jug of hand sanitizer. You’ve probably seen it; it looks like clear runny Jell-O. I figured it couldn’t hurt to be prepared so I asked the guy to bring a forklift and load me up a jug.

I went on about my shopping but every time I reached for something I couldn’t help but wonder how many other hands had already touched that can or that box or that banana. By the time I was done I was more than a little obsessed with thoughts of having touched things that were touched by other hands that had touched other things that had been touched by yet other hands.

When I got out to the truck with my load of goods and groceries the first thing I did was break open my new jug of hand sanitizer. I slathered it all over my hands and then leaned back in the seat to take a deep breath. After a bit I was ready to go, but as my hand touched the ignition key I realized I had touched that key before sanitizing my hands. So, I went back to the jug and this time I sanitized the key as well as my hands.

But then, I looked around. I had also touched the steering wheel, and the door handle, and the center console, and the climate controls, and who knows what was on my hands in the past when I didn’t have hand sanitizer? I’m a little fuzzy on the details but the next thing I knew, I and the inside of my truck looked like we’d been attacked by the Blob. There was clear runny Jell-O everywhere, but I was pretty sure it was safe.

Unfortunately, I had used up nearly all of my jug of hand sanitizer; which meant I was going to have to go back into the store for more; which meant I was going to have to…….touch stuff……..ohhh no.

Hope your day goes well. Cordially yours,

Tim Couch

Walk Naked in America Day!

America the beautiful!
America the beautiful!

By Special Executive Order of the President.

Be sure to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Radical Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked. So this July 4th  at 4 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All Patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Radical Muslims and to demonstrate their support for all American women. Since the Islam religion also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Radical Muslim sentiment. The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this Patriotic activity.

God Bless Amercia!

Flies set to retaliate against President Obama

What is President Obama thinking? First he goes around bowing to foreign Kings, apologizing to the world for percieved discourtesies, offering olive branches in exchange for billy clubs, and now after all this kowtowing he turns around and commits cold blooded murder, on camera!
In case you haven’t yet seen it President Obama was caught on camera, with malice and aforethought, slapping the life out of the Whitehouse fly. To make matters worse he was encouraged and congratulated by the CNBC News reporter on camera with him, as well as several off camera observers. What is this world coming to?
As with all things political the consequences of Mr. Obama’s actions have begun to come to light. The D.C. law firm of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe is in the process of contacting the widows and orphans of the newly deceased insect. The Whitehouse fly, or Whitey as he was affectionately known, was known to be of a promiscuous nature and the number of his dependents is expected to be in the thousands. A civil action suit including the President, the Federal government, and CNBC News is expected to be filed within the next couple of weeks. The D.C. Police Department has not yet responded to our enquiries so the possibility of criminal charges still exists.
On a broader scale the International Housefly Consortium is said to be taking a retaliatory stance on the matter. While it has long been rumored that the IHC has secretly been collecting tiny amounts of enriched uranium, it is now suspected the group has conglomerated enough of the radioactive material to pose a serious threat. Intelligence chatter between the IHC and North Korea has picked up considerably in recent days. We contacted a spokesfly for the IHC and although we can’t be absolutely certain because they are very difficult to understand we think he said, “Although we have no religion to base our actions upon, we are convinced that God is on our side.”
Reports, opinions and suspicions continue to swarm as this story develops and people around the world react to the news. As one worried person in Baghdad put it, “It makes you wonder what kind of person he really is. Perhaps the fly was only reaching out in friendship, and what did he get? SMAK!!”
After all his efforts to convince the nations of the world that he is a man of peace; after all the rhetoric of new beginnings, change, and worldwide brotherhood, in one swift movement we find ourselves on the very brink of inter-species war. What happens now Mr. President? Will you negotiate? Will you retreat? Or, will you at last stand up and declare to the world that America is a no fly zone?
Satirically yours,
Tim Couch

What is President Obama thinking? First he goes around bowing to foreign Kings, apologizing to the world for perceived discourtesies, offering olive branches in exchange for billy clubs, and now after all this kowtowing he turns around and commits cold blooded murder, on camera!

In case you haven’t yet seen it President Obama was caught on camera, with malice and aforethought, slapping the life out of the Whitehouse fly. To make matters worse he was encouraged and congratulated by the CNBC News reporter on camera with him, as well as several off camera observers. What is this world coming to?

As with all things political the consequences of Mr. Obama’s actions have begun to come to light. The D.C. law firm of Dewey, Cheetum and Howe is in the process of contacting the widows and orphans of the newly deceased insect. The Whitehouse fly, or Whitey as he was affectionately known, was known to be of a promiscuous nature and the number of his dependents is expected to be in the thousands. A civil action suit including the President, the Federal government, and CNBC News is expected to be filed within the next couple of weeks. The D.C. Police Department has not yet responded to our enquiries so the possibility of criminal charges still exists.

On a broader scale the International Housefly Consortium is said to be taking a retaliatory stance on the matter. While it has long been rumored that the IHC has secretly been collecting tiny amounts of enriched uranium, it is now suspected the group has conglomerated enough of the radioactive material to pose a serious threat. Intelligence chatter between the IHC and North Korea has picked up considerably in recent days. We contacted a spokesfly for the IHC and although we can’t be absolutely certain because they are very difficult to understand we think he said, “Although we have no religion to base our actions upon, we are convinced that God is on our side.”

Reports, opinions and suspicions continue to swarm as this story develops and people around the world react to the news. As one worried person in Baghdad put it, “It makes you wonder what kind of person he really is. Perhaps the fly was only reaching out in friendship, and what did he get? SMAK!!”

After all his efforts to convince the nations of the world that he is a man of peace; after all the rhetoric of new beginnings, change, and worldwide brotherhood, in one swift movement we find ourselves on the very brink of inter-species war. What happens now Mr. President? Will you negotiate? Will you retreat? Or, will you at last stand up and declare to the world that America is a no fly zone?

Satirically yours,

Tim Couch