Stimulus bill finally makes sense

My best shovel at the ready
My best shovel at the ready

I have to admit I’m a bit of a news junkie, and I have been following recent events in Washington with considerable interest and curiosity. All the talk about spending and stimulus and pork and earmarks and recession and recovery and left and right and depression, and yadda yadda yadda can get more than a little confusing. I was actually beginning to think that most of it was just a bunch of talk by the politicians and the analysts to try and justify their continued employment when so many people are losing their jobs.

I was particularly confused by the spending bill because it just didn’t make sense to me. How was a two million dollar ferry boat in San Juan, PR going to stimulate the economy? And, why does the Historic Jazz Society in Kansas City, MO need federal assistance? And, what is “Sustainable Las Vegas” and what’s it going to do with a million bucks? I just didn’t get it.

But then, I came across this: $178,000 to determine the effects of daylight savings time on the average fifty year old caucasion male living in central U.S. in the James River basin, on an eastern sloping hillside, who has a receding hairline, walks slightly bowlegged, and speaks with a southern drawl. As soon as I read that I became very stimulated. I thought, “Hey, I could be that guy.” I dug deeper and finally found the full requirements for qualifying for this assistance. Turned out it was a shovel-ready project so I raced out to the shed and retrieved my best shovel.

I ran back inside and finally found the phone number to call and apply for this very important study. Unfortunately, I forgot to set my clocks forward last night and I missed the deadline by one hour. Oh well, back to the drawing board I suppose. Maybe there’s some money in there to help late blooming baby boomers build boats by the bay.

Sincerely (not),

Tim Couch

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